TRANSFORMING
CHURCHES IN CONFLICT
The work we do as consultants to churches in conflict or in our workshops
in transforming church conflict is based on the understanding
of conflict described below.
Every relationship experiences conflict. It's normal and natural and to be expected. What we do with conflict makes the difference between living in a conflicted relationship or in a transforming relationship. Every church has multiple relationships with the potential for multiplied conflicts at any time. What we do with those conflicts makes the difference between a conflicted church and a transforming congregation.
Conflict is about people, not issues. It's about the relationships experienced by the people in conflict and not the identified problem. We can discuss an issue and take a vote and think the matter is settled. But our experience confirms that another issue will soon surface. Once we push through to a solution to any problem, another problem will quickly take its place. Only when we give our attention to the people involved, to the dynamics of their relationships, will we begin to see transformation happen. And only then will issues and problems find more permanent resolution.
Name one church conflict you're facing now. Where did it begin? Who was involved? Then go back a step further. What happened before that, and who was involved? And before that? And before that? As you remember the stories together with other people involved, patterns will soon emerge. Whatever the identified issue or problem, you will notice the same people or families have been involved for a long time. Or similar patterns of communication and conflict skills or the lack of those will be seen.
Listening to each other's story is an important early step toward transformation. Not everyone tells the story of the same conflict in the same way. Our memories are different because our perceptions of what happened are different. When we listen with empathy and compassion to the stories being told by other people in the conflict, we can learn new ways of moving through the chaos and emptiness of the conflict into a new way of living together as a church. A congregation which can listen to the stories and create together a new story of what the future may be for them can be transformed.
No shortcuts exist. No program of conflict resolution will make it happen. Conflict management is like keeping a lid on a boiling pot. Conflict resolution may resolve a single problem, but usually produces no long-term results. Conflict transformation is the key. Church leaders who want their congregation to experience conflict transformation must help guide the people on a journey through five basic areas of personal and spirituality maturity.
Awareness of Ourselves
What do I bring to this relationship and this conflict? And what change in me will help change the situation? Those are the first questions each of us must ask ourselves. Relationships improve as each person becomes more self-aware and committed to personal transformation. Spiritual and personal disciplines which foster that change include humility, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, trust, respect, and honoring of the other person. A growing maturity in the lives of individuals make possible the community transformation we seek.
Openness to God
For Christians, especially in the context of church conflict, other spiritual disciplines are important, such as prayer, scripture reading, centering, worship, journaling, silence, contemplation, and self-examination. These disciplines open us to God, to hearing God's voice and discerning God's desire for us more clearly. How can any church conflict be resolved, or any church in conflict be transformed, without God being at the center and without hearing clearly what God wants for us? Praying with the scriptures is a good place to begin to develop an increased awareness of ourselves and a growing openness to God. A few scriptures are suggested below as a starting point.
Desire for Grace
Defining our different positions has often been seen as the key to resolution of conflict. Then discussion and debate leading to decision-making by democratic vote followed. Much of the time that process resulted in greater conflict. That traditional process focused on our human desires, imagination, and understanding. And it seldom left room for humility, prayer, compassion, trust, or love. When we are aware of ourselves and open to God as we seek transformation, our hearts are more in harmony with God's heart. God's desire becomes our desire. God's imagination molds our imagination. And God's understanding creates in us a better understanding of the ways of God in this church. God's way is the way of grace, the way of mercy, forgiveness, compassion, and love. God's way creates respect, honor, and faithfulness. God's way unites and transforms.
Freedom from Addictions
God's way sets us free. God creates order out of disorder and sets us free from all that has held us in its grip. God teaches us to open our hands and hold out our arms to embrace all that is good in life. Whenever we allow our disordered human compulsions to hold us in their grasp, we are not free to follow God's way. We can be addicted chained to our compulsions in all kinds of ways. God wants to set us free from all our spiritual addictions, such as when we refuse to forgive, when we remember bitterly our hurts, when we verbally abuse others, when we shut people out, when we choose not to respect or honor other people, when we are unkind and hurtful. As we experience the freedom God gives, we will see our churches transformed.
Love for God and Creation
Jesus said the most important thing in life is to love God and others. And he suggested that if we do that, we will do the rest of God's will. God's chief desire for us is the desire for love to love us, to be loved by us, to see us sharing that love with each other. Love is not a warm fuzzy feeling but responsible choices and actions which will allow us to do no harm to another person. Love is trust, respect, honor, patience, faithfulness, graciousness, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance. Love is the embrace of the father who welcomed home his wandering son and the tender words of compassion toward the son who stayed home. Love is the kindness felt in the words, "Neither do I condemn you." Love is the longing heart toward the rich man who walked away because he could not give up his riches. Love is the way of Jesus and the way of God. And those churches, even facing the worst of conflicts, who choose to walk this way with maturity will experience transformation.
Contact Jimmy Reader jimmyreader@juno.com for more information on how we can help your church find resolution to its conflicted situation and move into a good future together.
COACHING AND CONSULTING
Natural Church Development Conflict Transformation Staff and Board LeadershipSPIRITUAL DIRECTION
The Spiritual Exercises Individual Spiritual Direction Spiritual Directors InternationalHEALING
Counseling and Life Listening Reiki Groups and Individual SessionsWORKSHOPS
Workshops List Natural Church Development Whose Values? A Challenge for People of Faith Labyrinths: Creating and Walking Them Empowering Leaders The Enneagram Marriage Preparation with Prepare/Enrich Training Reiki TrainingRETREATS
Group Spiritual Retreats Days of ListeningLABYRINTHS
Labyrinth Walks What is a labyrinth? Building a labyrinth Labyrinth and healingWRITINGS
Moral Values:What I Learned Growing Up in Church If This Is Not A Place Loving The Journey Do No Harm I Didn't Know Leaving The Desires of Your Heart Come Unto Me Occupying My Space Safe Place Network (org) Ultimate Values (org)